Nashe His Dildo

An Early Modern Dildo Shop

This week is Valentine's Day and I was reminded of the little known bawdy Valentine's Day poem written by Thomas Nashe. The Choise of Valentines, or The Merie Ballad of Nash his Dildo, is believed to have been composed around 1593 and exists in three extant manuscripts, but was not published in print until 1899. I first came across this poem while researching sex in Shakespeare and was struck by it's explicit language and humorous wit.  The poem is erotic in nature and sexually explicit, but is wrapped in humour and wit and framed in a classical style inspired by Ovid. The eroticism of the poem is very explicit, verging on pornographic, and accusations arose against Nashe for 'prostituting his pen'. While the poem is not of any significant literary value, it is an interesting insight into sex and erotic writing in the early modern period and is perhaps most significant for being the first known usage of the word 'dildo' in the English language; predating Shakespeare's Winters Tale (1611) and Ben Johnson's The Alchemist (1610).

The poem is a first person account of Tomalin's pursuit of his lover, Mistress Francis, on Valentine's Day.

It was the merie moneth of Februarie,
When yong men, in their iollie roguerie,
Rose earelie in the morne fore breake of daie,
To seeke them valentines soe trimme and gaie;

Tomalin sets off to his lover's residence in the country, but discovers she had been driven away by the local authority and has been forced to seek employment in an urban brothel.

I went, poore pilgrime, to my ladies shrine,
To see if she would be my valentine;
But woe, alass, she was not to be found,
For she was shifted to an upper ground:
Good Justice Dudgeon-haft, and crab-tree face,
With bills and staues had scar’d hir from the place;
And now she was compel’d, for Sanctuarie,
To flye unto a house of venerie.

We are not told the reason why Mistress Francis is exiled from her home, but it was not uncommon for women to be exiled in early modern England for various offences against church and parish. Germaine Greer claims that "more and more women fleeing disgrace in the church courts or actually driven out of town by the parish authorities for "unlawful pregnancy" were arriving in London every week to swell the ranks of prostitutes". Tomalin travels to the brothel to find her and is led upstairs and shown the women available to him, but Francis is not there.

And there shee sett me in a leather chaire,
And brought me forth, of prettie Trulls, a paire,
To chuse of them which might content myne eye;
But hir I sought, I could nowhere espie.
I spake them faire, and wisht them well to fare—
“Yet soe yt is, I must haue fresher ware;
Wherefore, dame Bawde, as daintie as you bee,
Fetch gentle mistris Francis forth to me.”

Tomalin is informed that he must pay a little extra for Francis and he obliges. Francis leads him to her bedroom where she slowly and teasingly reveals herself to him. Tomalin gives us this vivid and explicit description of her intimacy.

A prettie rysing wombe without a weame,
That shone as bright as anie siluer streame;
And bare out like the bending of an hill,
At whose decline a fountaine dwelleth still;
That hath his mouth besett with uglie bryers,
Resembling much a duskie nett of wyres;
A loftie buttock, barrd with azure veines,
Whose comelie swelling, when my hand distreines,

Unfortunatley for him, the sight of his love becomes all too much for him and Tomalin is unable to contain his excitement.

Or wanton checketh with a harmlesse stype,
It makes the fruites of loue oftsoone be rype,
And pleasure pluckt too tymelie from the stemme
To dye ere it hath seene Jerusalem.

To 'die' or 'dying' is a common term in early modern England for orgasm and poor Tomalin has died prematurely leaving him rather frustrated and "unarmed".

O Gods! that euer anie thing so sweete,
So suddenlie should fade awaie, and fleete!
Hir armes are spread, and I am all unarm’d,
Lyke one with Ouid’s cursed hemlocke charm’d;
So are my Limms unwealdlie for the fight
That spend their strength in thought of hir delight.
What shall I doe to shewe my self a man?
It will not be for ought that beawtie can.
I kisse, I clap, I feele, I view at will,
Yett dead he lyes, not thinking good or ill.
“Unhappie me,” quoth shee, “and wilt’ not stand?
Com, lett me rubb and chafe it with my hand!
Perhaps the sillie worme is labour’d sore,
And wearied that it can doe noe more;
If it be so, as I am greate a-dread,
I wish tenne thousand times that I were dead

With a helping hand from Mistress Francis, he is able to revive his erection, and with Tomalin now reinvigorated, the two begin to have sex. Tomalin's technique is over enthusiastic at best.

She dandled it, and dancet it up and doune, 

Not ceasing till she rais’d it from his swoune.

And then he flue on hir as he were wood,

And on hir breeche did hack and foyne a-good;

He rub’d, and prickt, and pierst her to the bones,

Digging as farre as eath he might for stones;

Now high, now lowe, now stryking shorte and thicke;

Now dyuing deepe, he toucht hir to the quicke;

Mistress Francis calls on him to slow to a more pleasurable pace and, before long, he finds himself once again reaching the point of climax and unable to control his passion.

With “Oh!” and “Oh!” she itching moues hir hipps,
And to and fro full lightlie starts and skips:
She ierkes hir leggs, and sprauleth with hir heeles;
No tongue maie tell the solace that she feeles,
“I faint! I yeald! Oh, death! rock me a-sleepe!
Sleepe! sleepe desire! entombed in the deepe!”
“Not so, my deare,” my dearest saint replyde,
“For, from us yett, thy spirit maie not glide
Untill the sinnowie channels of our blood
Without their source from this imprisoned flood;
And then will we (that then will com too soone),
Dissolued lye, as though our dayes were donne.”
The whilst I speake, my soule is fleeting hence,
And life forsakes his fleshie residence.
Staie, staie sweete ioye, and leaue me not forlorne
Why shouldst thou fade that art but newelie borne?

Mistress Francis, not yet satisfied, begs with him to prolong the pleasure for an hour, half hour or even a quarter hour longer, but it is of no use and once again he finds himself spent and embarrassed. Francis, tormented by her lack of satisfaction, decides to satisfy her self and turns to her dildo praising its advantages over a real man.

My little dilldo shall suply their kinde:
A knaue, that moues as light as leaues by winde;
That bendeth not, nor fouldeth anie deale,
But stands as stiff as he were made of steele;
And playes at peacock twixt my leggs right blythe,
And doeth my tickling swage with manie a sighe.
For, by saint Runnion! he’le refresh me well;
And neuer make my tender bellie swell.

The poem not only provides us with the first recorded use of the word dildo but also provides us a highly detailed description of it; certainly the most explicit and sexually detailed description of a dildo on record at this time.

He is a youth almost two handfulls highe,
Streight, round, and plumb, yett hauing but one eye,
Wherein the rhewme so feruentlie doeth raigne,
That Stigian gulph maie scarce his teares containe;
Attired in white veluet, or in silk,
And nourisht with whott water, or with milk,
Arm’d otherwhile in thick congealed glasse,
When he, more glib, to hell be lowe would passe.
Vpon a charriot of five wheeles he rydes,
The which an arme strong driuer stedfast guides,
And often alters pace as wayes growe deepe,
(For who, in pathes unknowne, one gate can keepe?)
Sometimes he smoothlie slideth doune the hill;
Another while, the stones his feete doe kill;
In clammie waies he treaddeth by and by,
And plasheth and sprayeth all that be him nye.
So fares this iollie rider in his race,
Plunging and sousing forward in lyke case,
He dasht, and spurted, and he plodded foule,
God giue thee shame, thou blinde mischapen owle!

Tomalin continues a rant at the "Eunick dildo" and how men cannot compete with the "counterfeit" and its longevity. Tomalin pays his dues and leaves the brothel embarrassed; asking the reader, "Judge gentlemen! if I deserue not thanks?"

The poem is a fascinating example of erotic poetry in early modern England and, although not imprinted, Nashe would have circulated this text in manuscript form around private circles. It is interesting that, while Nashe's poem is explicit in its description of sexual intercourse, Nashe does not seek to arouse his reader in a simple and straightforward way. The poem is not only sexually explicit; it is explicit about male sexual inadequacy and female sexual autonomy. Nashe's poem is an enjoyable read, both erotic and witty, it demonstrates the nature of erotica in early modern England and you can read it in its entirety here.

Happy Valentine's!

Greer, Germaine. Shakespeare's Wife. HarperPerennial, 2009.

Moulton, Ian Frederick. Before Pornography: Erotic Writing in Early Modern England. Oxford University Press, 2004.

Nashe, Thomas. The Choise of Valentines. OR THE MERIE BALLAD OF NASH HIS DILDO. 1592, www.gutenberg.org/files/17779/17779-h/17779-h.htm.